I found these hilarious, mainly because of the ways in which stereotypes were simultaneously shattered and reinforced. It would appear that almost everybody likes Tabasco and curry and almost nobody likes ‘oatie biscuits’. Quel surprise. These appear only in the Lithuanian rations(no one knows why) and the UK’s. Clearly, they appear in the UK ration packs because the list has been drawn up by the same shadowy killjoy Nazis who masterminded the 5 a day fatwa against the bacon sandwich. Speaking of which, it could have been worse; it could have been designed by the Equality Commission: haggis, laver bread, a stottie cake, a double ended pasty, a chapatti, a bacon sandwich, a gefilte fish, a fish finger, a Bath bun, stovies, a chip butty, pork scratchings (but not faggots), a deep fried pizza with Mars bar topping, Waldorf salad, I could go on..
What would be in the ration packs on the Starship Enterprise? Tea, Earl Grey, hot. Romulan ale.
Blade Runner? replicant eyeball noodles and a Big Mac. (Replicants are artificial humans. Big Macs are artificial food, duh)
Here are the contents of MP Jacob Rees-Mogg’s lunch box, by which I mean the wicker basket his nanny makes up for him, and not his lunchbox, which is completely empty, unlike Idris Elba’s:
A sports drink bottle, filled with the tears of deported asylum seeker’s children, lightly flavoured with Duchy Originals organic elderflower cordial.
Cucumber sandwiches with the cucumber cut off.
A portion of Eton Mess, wrapped in an arms export licence.
And, on the advice of his election agent: A demotic, quotidian “Scotch Egg”, made from an real Scotchman and an quail’s egg, enrobed in orange breadcrumb. Victus Populi.